When the soldiers in the movies come back from war, you can easily identify who’s been on the battlefield. They flinch at the slightest sound of a gunshot, are easily suspicious, and are quick to defend themselves. Despite being out of the battlefield, their bodies lag behind in the transition.

When you watch a couple of such shows, you might think you have nothing in common with such soldiers, until one day you wake up with your leg stretched to the other side of the bed. It’s strange because you got used to sleeping on one side as though you were playing the game of ‘statue’ in your sleep.

You realise you’re not anxious about crossing that unmarked boundary in your bed, and there’s no one to give you a stinky eye. His phone doesn’t buzz in the morning anymore, and you’re not wondering who was texting him that early in the morning.

The five years with him turned you into an experienced detective. You knew there was someone new by the change in his patterns. When you met him, he told you he loved to sleep early, but with each new body warming him up, you witnessed him change into whoever the woman pulling the strings decided.

You noticed when his texting changed from the serious man with proper grammar and punctuation to silly contractions. The age of the woman would be obvious when he used stickers; then, after a while, he would revert to responding to you as if he were in a conversation with HR.

David was the man of your dreams when you met him. He ticked every box, but more importantly, he had the potential to be a good dad. He was a good dad to your son for most of the time, but can one be a good father and a bad husband?

You stay because your son loves his presence, but he stifles your existence. It’s your house, but you have an unofficial curfew.

You grew up seeing your mum in chamas that helped her buy household items and make investments. You’re glad it’s finally your turn to do the same, only you have to explain to David why you want to embarrass him. You gave up talking to him about upgrading your home items or making family investments because it felt like pitching to an interested investor. When you finally decided to do it despite his objections, his constant statement was, “You want them to know you’re the one who bought it.”

It didn’t matter to him that you hardly spoke to anyone about such things, and you only wanted a better life for your family. Every thought of progress was met with anxiety because you already knew anything could become an issue with David.

Meanwhile, while he was busy spending the money, you could have been joining forces for your family’s progress on his revolving door of mistresses. Like a boring story with an expected ending, they disappear on him when he can no longer grant them financial favours. Along the line, he buries himself in debt. You don’t know what he spends the money on because you are the one holding the family together.

He takes out his frustration on you. Your detective skills are no longer used on figuring out who he is cheating on you with, but on gauging his mood. You almost tiptoe into your house. Every spoken word is chosen with great precision. Your work, ideas and plans for your son are topics you avoid because he interprets them as you asking for money that he doesn’t have or mockery. 

His voice gets louder and louder as he talks to you. It’s hard to pinpoint when his hatred for you became so pronounced. Then the wall becomes a casualty in your arguments. Calling them arguments is an inaccurate description because you barely say anything anymore. Your mental energy is mostly spent trying to avoid his outbursts and punches.

Then one day, he hurls a burning candle at you. Some hot wax gets to you, but the candle lands on the curtain. You freeze. His eyes are bloodshot like an animal hunting its prey. When you come to it, you put out the fire on the curtain, but it leaves a mark.

In that moment, you know you have no more excuses left for why you’re with him. It’s easier to leave the house to him than to kick him out. You find a new home for you and your child. In the new home, the sound your slippers make isn’t too loud. Laughter isn’t drowned by fear or angry outbursts. Your body still doesn’t know how not to live in constant fear and anxiety, but every so often, you realise you’re free to do anything, and the joy lasts.

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