You didn’t intend on falling in love with the person you were cheating with—it just happened, as love often does. There are, of course, those who don’t need a justification to cheat, but for many, it starts with small boundary pushes that culminate in full-blown affairs.

More attention than you’re getting from your partner, or conflict-free conversations, make you feel like the grass is greener. Eventually, you develop intense feelings for someone else, and your relationship with your official partner ends.

When the deception, betrayal and cheating end, reality shifts. With the other parties out of the picture, ‘legitimizing’ the clandestine affair feels like the natural progression but that’s when the uncomfortable question surfaces: can a relationship built on infidelity last?

Relationships are complex even without the added layer of the guilt, shame and doubt infidelity breeds. Let’s look at the possibility of such relationships working out and the factors that influence them.

Do Relationships That Start As Affairs Last?

Yes, some do. However, statistics extrapolated from secondary data indicate that only about 5-7% of affairs end in marriage. Further, of those who reach the marriage stage, only about 2% result in successful marriages.

Relationships that begin as affairs have a lower chance of surviving, though a few do get their happy endings. Trust is widely viewed as one of the important pillars of a relationship. Affairs struggle with building trust, which becomes a problem in the relationship despite the intensity of the bond.

Problems Relationships That Start With Cheating Face

Relationships that begin as affairs have some unique challenges and structural issues. Here are a couple of them.

Lingering Guilt and Shame

Regardless of the suffering and pain an ex caused, cheating comes with feelings of guilt and shame. Although women often face harsher judgment for cheating, infidelity is associated with loose morals even for men. Despite feeling ‘justified’ for seeking comfort elsewhere, a degree of shame lingers.

For some, the guilt of hurting former partners can cause internal conflict for one or both parties in the relationship. You may feel like you should have handled the differences in the previous relationship better. Some people feel unworthy of enjoying the new relationship due to guilt.

Trust Issues

Infidelity raises the question: if they cheated before, will they do it again? You’re justified to worry about this matter because studies show that people who have cheated in a relationship are three times more likely to cheat in subsequent relationships.  

Having had an affair worsens the situation because you use your infidelity patterns to identify possible cheating in the relationship. It’s easy to develop bias and hypervigilance even when unwarranted.

Affair-driven Illusions Fade

When in a bad place in your relationship or marriage, the affair provides an illusion and temporary relief. It might even feel like a honeymoon phase all over again. Most times, the cheating parties focus on the negative aspects of their partners, which makes the affairs seem perfect.

When the affair transitions to a formal relationship, perception changes. The partners’ flaws begin to show, and you slip into the ordinariness of relationships. The heightened emotions present during the affair start to fade.

The Weight of Sacrifice Adds Pressure on the Relationship

Your affair probably cost you your marriage, relationships with family and loved ones, your reputation or even financial losses. It’s natural to want the relationship to succeed so that you can justify the sacrifice. People place unrealistic expectations on the relationship.

External Judgment

There’s a reason why affairs are secretive. Transitioning from an affair to a formal relationship doesn’t take away the ‘stain’ from the affair. Family, friends and colleagues may pass judgment and find it difficult to accept your relationship. This can be further complicated if they had a bias for the previous partner. In your bubble, you might be okay, but you might struggle to integrate as a couple with others in your lives.

When Can a Relationship That Starts As an Affair Last?

The odds are slim, but some succeed. Relationship experts argue that these could be some of the contributing factors:

  • Radical Transparency: Infidelity breaks trust, so openness and continuous honest conversations are vital to building trust.
  • Wait Before Making the Relationship ‘Official’: Affairs are intense and can cloud your judgment of the person and compatibility. Take time to know them.
  • Take Accountability: Your affair hurt others and was wrong. Acknowledge your actions and their consequences.
  • Reflect on the Failed Relationship: Even without the baggage of the affair, understanding why your previous relationship failed gives you pointers on what to do differently.
  • Seek Counselling: Cheating is hardly simple. Several underlying issues could have led to infidelity that you need to work through with a professional.

While these don’t guarantee success, they may be helpful on an individual level to get past the infidelity.

The Uncomfortable Truth

Cheating causes damage to many people affected by the affair. It’s not impossible to find someone you’re compatible with, even though you start on the wrong footing of an affair. However, working through the challenges brought on by the aftermath of an affair makes it difficult for the relationship to succeed. Often, people also realise the affair was a distraction that shouldn’t have progressed into an official relationship.

Also check out

Dealing With The Aftermath After Your Partner Cheats On You

Do’s And Don’ts When Dating Someone Who Has Been Cheated On

Reconciliation Mistakes To Avoid After Infidelity

How To Confess To Your Partner That You Cheated, According To Experts

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