When a woman posted on Reddit’s “Am I The Asshole” forum about her boyfriend’s increasingly nasty comments after discovering she earns 30% more than him, the internet had some strong opinions.
Here is her story: No_Lingonberry_5061
Tim and I met in an English literature class our junior year of college, and we’ve been together the ten years since. While he ended up going into IT, I stayed in the liberal arts track and ended up doing non-profit work after college when I realized I didn’t actually want to be a schoolteacher. Just to say that we always assumed he’d out-earn me by a considerable margin, though when he made more I always insisted we split things evenly to avoid potential resentment down the road.
I’ve had sort of a non-linear career path, but ended up switching to the corporate world. To make a long story short, my liberal arts degree and time doing non-profit work gave me a lot of skills that enable me to really excel professionally in some more niche areas. I recently started a new job as a consultant, making way more than I’d ever anticipated. When I got the offer, I told Tim that the pay was “amazing”, but he didn’t ask about the actual amount and I didn’t want to be braggy about it, especially since I was fairly sure it was above his current income.
Well we just put in an application for a new place, and in the process of having to submit our paystubs it’s become obvious that I make roughly 30% more than he does now. I expected him to think that was cool, since he’s a feminist and has always been super supportive of my career. But instead he’s started to make increasingly harsh jabs about how I “cheated the system” to get where I am, that no English lit major makes more than a cyber security professional without cheating somehow.
His major point is that I got my first job out of nepotism, which set me up to “trample” more qualified people who didn’t have the same advantages. It’s true that I got my first post-college job after being referred by a sorority sister, but it was for non-profit work making 22k/yr, not exactly at somebody’s daddy’s firm. He also points out that at my first corporate job, I snagged a big promotion after volunteering to take on starting up the company’s diversity/equity/inclusion program, and I’ll admit that were I a white man, it’s highly unlikely I would have been able to be the face of the eventually high-profile diversity program. Tim also notes that I was awarded a small college scholarship for being a “promising female writer”, when no such scholarship existed for males.
But all that said…I still don’t feel like I cheated the system, and it makes me angry to listen to him “joke” about it, especially since I grew up blue collar and worked fulltime while going to school fulltime to afford my degree. I reached a breaking point yesterday when he made a crack about how the new/first woman on his team is an obvious diversity hire. I told him that his jokes about women cheating the system to get ahead aren’t funny or “guy-talk ribbing” as he says, they make him sound like an insecure little boy. He told me I was being a naïve Karen and we haven’t really talked since yesterday. Did I go too far?
Here are the 20 most insightful, savage, and spot-on responses that perfectly captured why this relationship is doomed.
“NTA. Dump him. He’s sexist and toxic toward women. Imagine you have kids with him someday wtf. Using people you know to find jobs is 100% normal and called networking. Cybersecurity is not some top dog where no one earns more than that field. His attitude toward your major is gross.”
“Like, holy shit, OP, he is so toxic. He’s supportive of your career only as long as HE is more successful. Do you realise how condescending that is?? An actual supportive partner would be THRILLED you got such a great job. He’s not just insecure, he’s selfish and an absolute asshole.”
“It’s easy to be supportive of someone who isn’t a threat.”
“I make more than twice what my husband makes and he’s fucking thrilled that he gets to work in the arts and we have a nice lifestyle. I absolutely wouldn’t be with anyone who thought our earnings were a dick measuring contest where he automatically wins because he has the actual dick.”
“Also, guys like OP’s BF like to forget that there’s rewards for diversity hires because left to their own devices, many white men will choose to hire more white men- even when other candidates are more qualified. They literally had to incentivize equality.”
“You don’t sound like you cheated the system whatsoever, and used your skills to get a job you were qualified for, so with that being said… INFO: Why are you dating someone who has zero respect for you?”
“The fact that his team have only recently hired the first female – the first woman! – despite women being 50% of the population. And he can’t see the fact that he has his job because he is a man. That he was hired because of his male privilege!” To the extent that all the members of his team are male, and he thinks that is due to merit, just highlights that this guy is NOT a feminist. And not only that, he is not even a kind loving boyfriend, he’s just another sad male with an undeserved ego and an undeserved girlfriend. OP he has shown you who he is, you need to start seeing him for who he really is. Don’t buy a house with him. Don’t have babies with him. You’ve outgrown him. Don’t regret your time with him, move on and find someone who is more worthy of you. Just like your career, relationship and love is non linear, you’ll find the right guy for you.
“People confuse networking with nepotism ALL the time. Networking = someone knows that you’re skilled and qualified and will therefore recommend you for a position. You are still evaluated against other candidates…
Nepotism = getting the job with few to no hurdles because you know the right person and likely don’t have to fear losing your job if you do poorly because of that connection. Your ability to do the job well is secondary to your connections.
It would be nepotism if the sorority sister hired OP just because they were sorority sisters. OPs friend simply referred her, OP did the rest of the hard work!
“In my experience the men who are very vocal about how feminist they are, like OP’s boyfriend, are usually quite misogynistic. The number of men who become feminist ‘icons’ or major figures in feminist organizations who turn out to be manipulative sexual harrassers is crazy.”
“NTA, he claims to be a feminist because it’s cool now and gets him social bonus points. I’ll bet that if you were better than him in something else (like faster runner), he would find excuses too and that you ‘cheated’.”
Dump him.
Everything you do in life, he’ll find a way to downplay it. He’ll always talk about how he already did X but better, or he could easily do X if it was worth putting any effort into. If you show him your work or hobbies you’ll get tons of “constructive criticism” or “compliments”. “I can hear all the mistakes you’re making, but at least I can tell you’re practicing.” “Yeah, umm … I like how you signed your painting. Very interesting signature.”
He will kill your self-confidence, like a rat slowly nibbling away until there’s nothing left.
“‘Networking’ and ‘the old boys club’ when white dudes in finance do it. But when the rest of us make/call on connections, we’re ‘skipping the line’ and ‘only got in because of diversity quotas’. Super fucking lame”
He loves the situation. They are talking about him quiting his job and moving to freelance work so he doesn’t have to work weird shifts anymore and they can spend more time with each other. All this can happen because she has a much higher paying job than him and he doesn’t have the pressure of worrying if he’ll be able to provide if he does this and fails.
NTA but y’all have some serious problems. I can’t imagine being with someone for 10 years and not telling them how much money I make. Even if you split your finances and have separate accounts it’s important to know how much money you’re bringing in.
It sounds to me like you guys have a real problem with communication that needs to be fixed if you intend to stay with him (I wouldn’t, but that’s just me. I can’t imagine my husband being jealous and accusatory if I made more than him – he’d be happy for me and for us).
Yes it seems you’ve cheated the system by…
Checks notes
Navigating the system exactly the way it was intended and being given jobs specifically by using skills and methods integral to obtaining those very positions.
Mmm. Yes. How sneaky of you.
“NTA but you’ve just found out how little your boyfriend respects you, so that’s….good to know, I suppose. By the way, he IS acting like an insecure little boy.”
Yep. His words and actions have shown that needing to feel superior to his girlfriend is an essential part of his identity, and he feels threatened when you’re, on paper, “beating” him. Your success is a direct challenge to his personal identity and masculinity. He needs you to shine dimmer than him, or he spins out. Guys like this are very unlikely to change. Regardless of how good it makes him feel to self-describe as a “feminist,” this is the kind of guy who only starts to figure out women might be people once he has his own daughter.
GTFO, OP.
NTA.
Using people you know to find jobs is 100% normal and called networking.
Cybersecurity is not some top dog where no one earns more than that field. His attitude toward your major is gross.
If he is not going to Secure / Hacker Conferences and “networking” with people then he will not go very far in Cyber Security. I’m saying this as somebody who spend the last 15 years going to meetups, conference and joining the local Hacker Space.
Getting a promotion because you volunteered and showed initiative on new programs and showed interest in the company is also normal.
If he wanted to do the same he could of been a volunteer at a local Hack / Security Con or help out at his local Hack Space.
There are plenty of scholarships out there. Winning a scholarship does not somehow mean you took advantage.
People like this I just write off. There isn’t even a point in continuing to be friends with them. I’ll interact at work, but that is it.
NTA. You did it literally didn’t go far enough and by that I mean you haven’t packed your bags yet.
This type of crappy put- you -down -at all costs attitude is going to continue forever. This shows some real personality flaws of him and to call you a ‘Karen’ for gently pointing out what he has been hammering over your head is very problematic.
Him using words like nepotism (frankly inappropriately) but he feels the need to use it and words like trampling over other people, and talking about getting a female writer scholarship…just way too much of the same themes here, and that is that he’s a sore loser, and an unsupportive and unappreciative jerk.
The Broader Implications
This viral Reddit post serves as more than relationship drama; it’s a case study in how unconscious bias manifests in intimate relationships. It demonstrates how easy it is for people to support equality in theory while harbouring resentment when that equality affects them personally.
The boyfriend’s transformation from “feminist” to bitter critic wasn’t sudden; it was always there, waiting for the right conditions to emerge. His girlfriend’s success didn’t change him; it revealed him.
The takeaway? A real partner celebrates your success, not diminishes it. And as many commenters pointed out, it’s a lot easier to be “supportive” when you’re not feeling threatened. This relationship appears to be showing its true colours now that the power dynamic has shifted.
As tangerine-trees summarised: “You’ve just found out how little your boyfriend respects you, so that’s….good to know, I suppose.”
Sometimes the most valuable experiments are the ones we never meant to conduct.
Check out:
5 Signs You Are Experiencing Financial Abuse In Your Relationship
Comments
No comments yet. Be the first to share your thoughts.